You.

Yes, you.

You're a shitty friend. Just gotta say that.

I still feel bitter. Just, somedays, sometimes, I'll look at something or remember something and I'll feel really bitter. Today it was facebook. I saw your profile and had to click it and I saw who you are and signs of who you used to be, and I just started feeling bitter.

I'm a coward, so I'll probably never actually say any of this to your face, but I'm leaving this public. Maybe someday you'll come across it. Doubtful you'd make any efforts to say anything to me though, since you're a coward too, probably the biggest I've ever known.

You're a shitty friend, that's all there is to it. I spent so much time and money and emotion on you and you just threw it away or ignored it. I came to visit you twice. That second time? I don't know if you even cared. It's so hard to tell. I remember when Diane called and you only talked to her for a minute and said you were busy and hung up. When you went to Seattle you said I could call you, and I did and the same thing happened. I knew what you thought about Diane, and I was hurt that I would be treated the same way.

After you said you'd do all you could to make sure I could live there with you. After all the promises and forgotten efforts. I notice the little things, you know. I remember the little things, I cherish them. I don't know if you knew that or not, but at least I have a few memories I can still smile about.

Because the truth is, you WERE a good friend. I thought we could be best friends. I thought we WERE best friends. I still have no idea what happened that changed everything, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that deep down, you really are a shitty friend. And you're lazy.

That's probably the center of it all. Lazy.

Yeah, we're miles and miles apart and we only have a few methods of communication and we can't see each other as much as we'd like, and less than that. But come on. I write letters, I send gifts, I make the effort to save up and plan a visit. Jesus Christ. Come on.

I don't know. Maybe I am delusional. At least you could have said something. You just make no effort at all.

You know, I hope you have a good life. Really. Go for it, get everything you want, not that your expectations are very high, no doubt. Maybe I AM delusional. But I have a fucking soul.

I hope you have a good life. But I also hope that maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe a year or two from now, you'll wake up in the middle of the night with something on your mind, and you won't be able to pinpoint it or forget it or go back to sleep for days and then you'll realize it's me. I hope you think of me and remember me and I hope you have things to smile about, but I also hope you realize what a shitty thing you did to me, and I hope you feel guilty as hell.

Thanks.


Sa.

Remy got a collar! It looks so handsome on him, and he's grown so much! I can tell he still has a lot of growing to do though, because he's got SERIOUS extra skin, haha. Like, you know how cats have scruffs? He's got a giant scruff, PLUS scruff all down his back. It's like he's a shar pei or something! Whatever those flappy dogs are called.

Anyway, he's just four months old, so he still has another couple at least to get to full size. I'm wondering if he'll get as big as Hamlet?


Sa.


Oh, by the way, going back to Three Rivers tomorrow to get my hair fixed. Reports later!

I really do like writing poetry, and I haven't in a while, just because normally when I write poetry, I'm having some kind of mental episode. And I haven't had room for any of those lately, thanks to certain changes in my life.

But maybe I can still try to get some work done. Try to clarify a little bit more.

Let's see if this is any good.




"I think about you constantly"
Says the words
Pressed one at a time with the sent of ammonia and grief
Popped pocket locket up
(gyaku paka)
I'm hysteric to be your honey
Here, take all my money
Joking- joking- but the truth- truth-
"I think about you all the time"
So you're guilty
I see your sins stripes red white
Blue
Boohoo
Mooving (in circles?) crazy loops updownupdown
Why did I love your hair?
I have hair too.
Hers is worse
I like rhyming that with 'hearse'
Hit me. .b.u.l.l.e.t.
"I think about you sometimes"
Hallucinations
Mass-produced sensations
Breaking all creations
Faking your temptations
I KNOW you remember
Die a tribe
Ours was young
OH that's rich
(BITCH)

"I thought about you today"
...

As some of you may know, I got my first tattoo while I was in Texas. Here's my experience, and pictures. Side note- I'm eating oreos and coffee right now and holy shit, best combination ever.

Onward and upward.

( Sa's first tattoo )

More pictures sooner or later. Promise.


Sa.

Because I'm bored and these things are my new addiction.



Learn to make them in... some easy steps! Let's go!!

( When you wish upon a star... )

Hope you have fun!


Sa

Sa.

I kinda need money. So I'm gonna be selling some stuff. First up is my old dresses. When I say old, I don't mean like, sitting in the attic for decades. I've seriously only worn these things like, 1-3 times. Shall we begin?

( Dresses for sale! )

Thank you so much for looking!


Sa.

Any Harry Potter fan who has watched a Harry Potter movie and gone 'Jeez, Harry, emo much?'...

...watch this.


Sa.

Let me walk you through this wonderful day so far.

Work was nice, for once. Not too stressful or busy or fucked up in any way. We got produce this morning, for the first time in like, a week? Heh. And Jose was there, and he was in a good mood the whole time. And that makes me happy. He came in with an energy drink and for some reason it made me want one too, so when I was out on a delivery, I stopped by QT and got one, a blue full throttle, because he said it was good. And it was. It tasted like sunshine dust and it made me move very fast, haha. At one point, Jose was digging in the topping bar and muttering about how everything was misplaced in there and he was just bitching and moaning and 'Who the fuck did this shit?!' so I looked at him and said 'Gnomes'. And without missing a beat, he said 'DAMN those gnomes. Damn them and their low airfare.' And I smiled for a million years. Then later, I got some dough out of the dough bowl (it weighs like, 45 pounds, but is much harder to lift and carry than say, a box weighing the same amount, because it is dough and it likes to be mushy and droopy and difficult. Anyway) and I had to bend way down to do it,  and my pants were definitely falling down, and Jose was behind me, and a few minutes later when I was cutting it he asked me 'Do you EVER wear drawers?' And I looked at him and said '...yes.' And he just laughed. And I laughed. And when he was going for a smoke break, he put his hand on my shoulder and said 'I'm gonna go smoke some drugs.' He never says it the same way twice. And that makes me happy too. And we listened to salsa music. Happy. And Jerel and I quoted Eddie Izzard to each other all day. Happy happy.


So after work, I go home for a bit, change, and go back out to see if I can get my wireless to work at Java and Cha. I ordered a medium and got a large. Plus. My wireless didn't work. Minus. When the guy brought me my drink, he looked at my laptop and saw the Gazette sticker on the back of it and he was like *GASP* 'Oh my god, the GazettE rocks.' And I looked at him and said 'Yes. Yes they do.' And I just sat there going 'Wow.' I've never experienced that before. Nobody's ever been like 'Oh yeah, I know that Japanese band, and I enjoy listening to them.' It made me happy. Oh yeah, PLUS.

So I got back in my car and drove to Target, where I purchased 70 dollars in merchandise. Minus. However, I pretty much need all of it, but the stuff I don't need I can take back tomorrow. Eh. I drove to Kroger to apply at the Starbucks there, which is actually hiring, and I also needed bananas, but after spending that much dough, I thought I'd just get the application only. But the minute I stepped foot into the store, my phone rang.

And it was the Starbucks I applied at last week.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON FRIDAY.

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I. HAVE AN INTERVIEW. AT A PLACE THAT MIGHT WANT TO HIRE ME. AND PAY ME MORE. AND NOT TREAT ME LIKE SHIT.

I hung up the phone, turned around, got back in my car, and cried all the way home. I cried like Will Smith did at the end of The Pursuit of Happyness. And I listened to Strawberry Letter 23 as I plunged down the hill on Los Rios, through the golf course, and I smiled so huge and cried.

I fucking needed this.

And here I am, relaxing at home, getting pumped for some baseball. And I'm going to upload Strawberry Letter 23 for you, because it's a dazzling song, and it makes me happy and I want it to make you happy.


Hello, my love
I heard a kiss from you
Red magic satin playing near, too

All through the morning rain
I gaze - the sun doesn't shine -
Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind

In the garden - I see west
Purple shower, bells and tea
Orange birds and river cousins dressed in green

Pretty music I hear - so happy
And loud - blue flower echo
From a cherry cloud

Feel sunshine sparkle pink and blue
Playgrounds will laugh
if you try to ask
Is it cool?, is it cool?

If you arrive and don't see me
I'm going to be with my baby
I am free - flying in her arms, over the sea

Stained window, yellow candy screen
See speakers of kite - with velvet roses diggin' freedom flight

A present from you - Strawberry letter 22
The music plays, I sit in for a few

Ooh...ooh...ooh...ooh...ooh...

A present from you - Strawberry letter 22
The music plays, I sit in for a few

Ooh...ooh...ooh...ooh...ooh...


Download, please.


Sa.


PS: Go Rangers.

I felt poetic today, and it's been a while since I've written a poem, so I thought I'd do a poem a day for a week and post them here. I just had a lot of images in my head today and I wanted to put them together and share them.

Here is number one.






Feel free to leave constructive criticism?


Sa.


Oddly enough, that had nothing to do with the images I thought of today.

It was 'Twofer Tuesday' at the piercing place. How could I resist?

My mom hates it.


Sa.


You know what? I'm not done yet. I'm really fucking angry.

I wasn't going to show her. I was going to be immature and hide it. But I faced her and showed her and she made this disgusted face and said 'Wonderful. This is why I don't like you hanging out with Robin.' She thinks I'm Robin's little puppet and I do whatever she wants me to do and she feeds me ideas and manipulates me and is generally a bad influence. I'm not going to lie, that was me at one time. But not anymore. That's fucking bullshit and it pisses me off that my OWN MOTHER does not trust me, because of things I have done in the past. I have done nothing but obeyed her and made good decisions and stayed out of trouble and grown up safe and sound. Do I deserve this kind of treatment? I fucking hate it here, I am ready to get OUT as soon as possible, but it is extremely tiring waking up each day and hating life. I NEED people, and the only one who seems to care about me even a little is Robin, the person who betrayed me and lied to me and ignores me as soon as there is a boy in the room. I realized today what a waste of time it is being around her, and if I was strong enough, I'd tell her I never wanted to see her again. But I am so damn lonely and so damn sad, and it HURTS ME that nobody here cares. I'm expected to be strong and happy with my life. How? Tell me how I'm supposed to do that. I am miserable. And it's only going to get worse.

I said to her, firmly, 'No, this was my decision.' And she has the NERVE to scoff at me and say 'No it wasn't.'

FUCK THAT.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ANYMORE?

I want to run away.

Lots to say.

Too much to say.

Too much to feel.

I need a hole in my skull.


Sa. Again. XP

That's right, I'm back and I want youuuuuuu!!!!

...ah-hem.

First, memes:
( Memememememememememe )

I got two different kinds of mochi at the place. One was cheaper than the other and they were also different colors, so I wanted to see if there was a difference. I like the cheaper kind better! And the colors don't seem to mean anything. I want to go get morrreeeeee...

Ok, time to show you my haircut. This isn't the best pic, but it's all I have at the moment. Later today, I will floof it all out and put on makeup and boy entrancers and eye jewels and camwhore it up. But for now, all you get is this:



I still think it looks oshare.

I ordered this coat on Target.com and I am anticipating getting it either today or tomorrow. I want to do a photoshoot with it ASAP. It has faux fur around the hood, which is detachable, and the sleeves are also zip-off, so it doubles as a vest! Too cool!

Currently raiding my closet looking for oshare type stuff...

HOLY SHIT I LOOK GOOD. For once in my life, I was very photogenic today. Brace yourself for a GIGANTIC picspam:
( I'm bringing sexy back )

So enough of that, I didn't mean to hurt you with my ridiculous amounts of sexy.

I watched two movies at Robin's last night. The Reaping, which pretty much suuuuucked, and then this one called Bug, which was fantastic. I also rented The Contract. I have a personal connection to this movie. I wouldn't be interested if it weren't for the fact that my Communications Major Studies teacher from high school wrote it. Stephen Katz, ever heard of him? Haha, he used to write for A-Team. And he did a few low budget, straight to video things. He was a really cool guy. I say 'was' because he is now deceased. During my first semester of college, he died of cancer. He never got to see his movie, which he got six figures for writing. I'm glad I get to watch it though. I might cry.

So that was my day. I feel like I got something done, even though I totally didn't, haha. Nobody is online, so I might as well just post this, watch some more of my movie and go to bed. I get to sleep in 30 minutes tomorrow, joy!


Sa, BAM

Today at work was pretty crazy.

( Trust the crust )

That's really about all I have to say today. Oh, Wednesday is Jose's birthday, and since he has that day off, I was going to bring him something tomorrow morning. If I can find the only type of ice cream he'll eat, I'll bring him that, but otherwise, I'll just pick him up a steak, bacon and egg burrito at Sonic, since he practically drools every time that commercial comes on. The ice cream he likes is a Ben and Jerry's called 'Chubby Hubby' I think, and it is vanilla malt swirled with caramel and fudge, with chocolate covered PRETZELS mixed in. GROSS.

The Cowboys won tonight. This puts them at 5 and 0. HELL YEAH. I don't even like football, but I would LOVE to see the 'Boys go to the Superbowl.

Baseball update. The four teams that are left are 1. Rockies 2. Diamondbacks 3. Red Sox 4. Indians. No Angels, hurrah! No Yankees either! But no Cubs... oh well. This should be interesting.

Anyway, time for bed. I need to catch up on my z's. "Did you make the zzzzz?" Hahahaha.


Sa, Large and in Charge

There was another roach in my room. HUGE. WTF.

A few things about today.

1. I found out I have dropped a pants size. When/how did that happen?!
2. I bought the best lip gloss I've ever had in my life. It's Rimmel London. It's not goopy or heavy or sticky or anything, it tastes good, and it lasts long!
3. I accidentally/purposefully flirted a lot with the boys at work today and very purposefully glared at Rose and called her names behind her back. She was a real bitch to me today.
4. Spitz finally came home and I gave him his pill and flea goo.
5. Seattle is now five games back. Damn.
6. I've had my Dir en grey playlist on repeat all day.

I don't feel like talking much. I'm in a relaxing mood.


Sa, Shrinking

GIRLS, BE AMBITIOUS.



Sa, Ambitious

I am in a really strange mood. I blame it on watching the movie Tideland, which was really fucking weird, but also strangely beautiful and without a doubt, incredibly interesting. Let's see what I can come up with tonight:

The feeling of my own hand against my face makes me feel not as alone.

I took off from Robin's house in my car, and went back to a Gazette song I had to skip when I drove her to the movie store. It was Juuyon Sai No Knife, or however you spell it. I raced down the hill and careened around the turn at the bottom and sped off down San Gabriel, throwing my head around, letting everything out, everything I had been holding in since I had to skip it. I drove fast and reckless and danced and tossed my head and drummed against the steering wheel as I drove through the night, down Ranch Estates, running over branches and clods of dirt in the street. I sped around a turn, grimacing theatrically, at the part around 1:47. I stopped at the stop sign at the bottom of the street to give my proper respects to the guitar solo, but at 2:21-:22, I was compelled to move on, and thus made my way onto my street, prowling along with the bass solo. ... How can anyone NOT like this music? No, I'm not feeling bitter. Not at all. Just a little lonely.

Egg is having a showdown with Minnie on my dresser. God, these CATS.

Tomorrow is double Friday. I gushed to Robin about Jose a bit today. Even though these things always turn out to be silly one-sided conversations, I somehow put ideas into my own head about what to do, where to go next. I decided that at some point, I should at least tell Jose that he is a fox attractive. I don't have to say anything else. I could just go 'You know, you're really quite attractive.' Then skip off. Not literally, that would seem weird. Why am I now thinking 'Have I ever skipped inside the Double Dave's building?'. Now tomorrow, I'm going to have to skip. Why do I do this to myself? Hahaha.

My arm looks pretty banged up because I was rubbing and picking at my poison ivy scabs during the entire movie. Ugh.

I'm going to have to go to bed in a few minutes. Tomorrow, I'm letting Diesta borrow the Bad Beginning. Hehe. Maybe now she'll remember to bring me that venison sausage. Ha, not really. But I hope she brings it at some point?

I have to download some songs. Mainly Hell's Bells (Aki's walk-to-the-mound song) and that Tim McGraw song that goes 'These are my people' and makes me grin proudly.

I also need to see some movies. I decided that I was just going to go ahead and buy Velvet Goldmine on the internet, since that seems to be the only way I'll ever be able to see it.

Egg just bonked Hammy on the head. I love Hammy so damn much. He has a collar and it jingles and he walks like a bear. He's my jingle bear.

OH, I finished Harry Potter today! I liked it, except for the epilogue, which we can all agree is tripe. Robin says there might be spinoffs, like with different heroes/heroines. I hope so.

Egg is so bonbon, she thinks she's like, queen of everything.

No one knows WHAT I'm talking about. I'm a little on the crazy side right now. So... bed?


Sa, Squirrel Butts Don't Glow


Quote:
"Maybe my brain needs a checkup."
Too true.

Damn, I left my last steroid pill for today in my car. Damn and thrice times damn. Oh well, that is one pill I will not have to swallow.

Egg is bonbon-ing all over my shoes.

I don't know why I do this sort of thing, but I guess I'm just the sort of person who wants everyone to be happy. I don't know why anybody this applies to would be here reading this, but just in case, I'd like to say something:

Why do you get so angry? Here you are saying 'oh lolz teh internet is serious business!' when you are fueling the controversy yourselves in a very immature way. In a perfect world, we would quietly go about our business and either agree or disagree without resorting to namecalling. This is obviously not a perfect world, and I'd just like to say that I am not going to apologize for anything I have done. I think I was civil, and I had a right to do what I did. I was trying to minimize the damage, but I knew there would be damage anyway. I meant for it to be a quiet warning, and instead all these flames erupted. But you know what? I honestly don't think this is going to change a thing. You know why? I just got 7+ requests to join the community. We will always have our loyal supporters, and those who are not loyal supporters aren't any of our business anyway. It's your choice and I totally respect that, but I start losing respect when crudeness emerges. We're not making people join, and we're certainly not making people stay in. Like I said, it's your choice. We're all fans, right? So in that sense, it's like we're brothers and sisters. We should support each other as well as the band we're supporting. I hate for so much anger to be associated with The GazettE and it DOES NOT have to be that way. It's ridiculous. When did music turn into this? I don't really know what else to say. I am not trying to create more drama at all. If I have your support, thank you, and if I do not, do what you want. I don't want anybody to feel guilty or anything, either. We're not about that. Gazette isn't about that. Let's all just try to enjoy what we love together, and if you have sand in your knickers... I don't know how to say this in a nicer way, but get over it. If you allow anger into your life and shut out happiness, that is entirely your decision. In short, I do not regret anything I've done, I would not change anything, and as always, I look forward to the future with a smiling face.


Sa.